Monday, April 16, 2012

Feelings I Should Not Feel

Today I miss my husband.  I miss the man I loved.  I miss having him to come to.

I know the facts.  The man I loved was not who I thought he was.  But today I miss the man I thought he was.

It's something I feel that I shouldn't feel.  But I do.  And I just needed to say it.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Unexpected grief

I am pretty educated when it comes to grief.  It's a side effect of working almost 20 years in a career that faces death and dying every day.  But when it is your OWN grief, it is different. 

The loss of my husband came in phases.  First was the loss of trust, then the loss of my marriage and the person I thought I know, finally the loss of his life from suicide.  It has been 3 1/2 years since he died, but this past week I was overcome by a wave of grief that I did not see coming.

I was a a professional development program that included discussing death and dying rituals of different religions/culture, a tour of a funeral home and a tour of a crematory.  Interestingly, I have experienced all of these things before.  But as we walked towards the crematory, I felt the anxiety set in.  I thought I could handle it.  But as the tour went on and we saw the inner workings of the crematory I felt the tears surfacing.  I bit my tongue (a practice I have long used to keep from crying when I need to hold it together) but the pain did not keep the tears from overtaking me.  I had to walk out.  I held on long enough to walk out with my colleagues and make it to my car.  The tears took over for my 20 minute drive back to the office.

My husband was cremated.  I was not involved in any of the funeral proceedings and did not even learn of his death until afterwards.  I have appropriately dealt with my grief...but that does not keep it from coming back in waves when I least expect it.  I know it does not mean that I have not dealt with things.  It's a reminder for me of how complicated grief can be and how it changes over time, but I am not sure it ever goes away.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

A new challenge...

I have struggled with weight throughout my life.  During stressful times in my life, I eat.  When I am anxious, I reach for a cookie (or seven).  When I am lonely, ice cream fills the void.  You get the picture, right?  The result has been that I gained 40 pounds since my divorce.  There are certainly other contributing issues including changing from an active job to a sedentary job and turning 40, but I believe that emotional eating is the major culprit.  In 2009, I challenged myself physically and trained for a 100 mile cycling event.  I did it for many reasons, but one was to prove that the divorce had not broken me.  I also had hoped that I would lose weight.  I completed the Seagull Century Ride in Salisbury, MD and was probably in the best physical shape of my life - but I did not lose weight.  Last May, I challenged myself again and successfully walked a half-marathon - but again I did not lose weight.

I feel like my weight is the last thing that is sticking around from the emotional trauma of my divorce.  I have tried bunches of things and have not been successful.  The time has come for me to challenge myself again - and work to lose this weight!

 So, I joined Weight Watchers.  I have done the program before and I know it works.  My first meeting is tomorrow night.

It is lose the find new ways of set a healthy example for my prove again that he did not break me!