Sunday, February 20, 2011

Life is good

It's a phrase we hear a lot....from status updates on Facebook to logos on T-shirts, but what does it really mean?

I suppose that it means different things to different people.  Six years ago I would not have decribed my life as "good."  If asked to define my life at that moment, I am not sure I could have done it at all.  I was still married to my husband and trying to figure out if my marriage was going to survive his infidelity, sex addiction and attraction to men.  I was parenting our two-and-a-half-year old son primarily on my own, since my husband was not truly "present" as a partner.  I was adjusting to a new job and trying to balance new responsibilities.  I was dealing with depression and anxiety.  Our family was also coping with complexity of emotions surrounding the birth of twins to my sister:  one stillborn and one who, after an extended NICU stay, was thankfully home.  There was a lot going on.  There were certainly good moments, but I do not think I would have said that life was good.

But it is six years later and so much has changed - for the better.  In fact, I had a weird but oddly realistic dream a few nights ago in which my husband came back from the dead and experienced some kind of transformation in front of me (complete with light and the voice of a God-like persona) in which he became his "old" self...the one I thought I knew before I found out about all the secrets.  In the dream he wanted me back and wanted to reclaim his old life.  I used to hope for a moment like this during my divorce, knowing that it was impossible.  But when this moment appeared in my dream, my dream-self coped with it by saying no, I like my life the way it is.  Upon waking, I realized just how far I have come.

I know many of you reading this blog are dealing with various issues in your lives.  You may have just discovered secrets that have broken your marriage apart or you may be in the throes of a divorce.  I hope that you can see from my story that it IS a journey.  It is an unexpected journey that includes a lot of tears and hard work.  Unfortunately it is not all happy endings and in no way do I mean that I do not still have struggles (and I have blog posts to prove it!), but lives can be re-created and sometimes where you find yourself, although unexpected, is pretty darn good.

7 comments:

  1. A great reminder of these facts. Thanks. It's hard to imagine life ever getting any better, let alone to a place that you actually like and are happy about, when your marriage (aka "life") is crumbling. One thing I've learned is that it is worse if you fight it. Fight the pain, trying to keep from going where you are going, even if it's just in your mind. Not sure if that makes sense or not. I wanted so badly for everything to just stop, back up and be where I wanted it to be- in my old life. I learned that once you start down that road of divorce you have to finish all the work that's there along the way. It doesn't mean there was no future for us. Once the injury of divorce strikes, the damage is so widespread. I just had to grieve, grow and recover. I couldn't go back. I am closer to the end of the journey (I think!) and unfortunately my marriage did end. I have accepted this. Life is too short to live in the past. I need to look forward with hope and certainty that my future is what I make it.

    Hope you are having a great weekend!

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  2. There's a Broadway song (of course) that describes happiness as a quiet thing that arrives slowly, without ceremony. That's certainly how it happened to me.

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  3. I love hearing how you're able to reflect and find your way through. You truly inspire me.

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  4. I do believe our dreams hold messages for us. Not all of them, just some of them and this sounds like one of those dreams for sure. Thanks for sharing this - it's beautiful.

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  5. Just dropping by to say hello. Looking forward to reading more. And, of course, wishing you all the best!

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  6. My ex shot himself last sunday and i have been looking for a way to deal with this for our 10 year old daughter. we had been divorced for about 7 years and i always thought her relationship with her daddy was...i don't know...not very close. even though he had her every weekend but the first weekend of the month, he lived with his mom and my girl was mostly worried about getting to see her grandma ever again. she shows no sign of grief and i am completely freaked out.

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  7. Anonymous -
    The best advice I can give you is to be honest with your daughter, in an age appropriate way. Give her an opportunity to ask you questions and give her honest answers. If you think there may be things she is wondering about that she is not asking, bring those issues up yourself. For instance, answer her questions about what her relationship will be like with her grandmother...will you allow her to see her, etc.

    Grief has many forms and it is not unusual for children to not show signs of grief at different periods of their journey. I would suggest contacting your local hospice for information about normal grief so you know what to watch for. A great website is http://childgrief.org/childgrief.htm

    One thing I have learned is that my son re-experiences things/issues/feelings at new developmental stages and at major points in his life (birthdays, father's day etc.). Once again, talking openly and honestly has been the best thing for us.

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