Monday, November 8, 2010

dreams

When I was married I used to have a recurring dream.  The setting of the dream would change, but the underlying theme would be the same.  I would find myself in a situation in which I was not married to my husband.  In some dreams we had broken up.  In others he had never existed.  I would realize his absence by the fact that I was not wearing my wedding ring.  When I woke I always found myself extremely unsettled.  I was so scared to think of my life without him because such an existence was unimaginable to me.  I believed that we had been destined to be together and that I had been waiting for him my entire life.  I know it sounds cliche and all that, but it is really how I felt.  My marriage was never perfect and I did not have grandiose romantic illusions about what love and marriage were about.  That was actually what always convinced me that we were meant to be together:  the fact that our marriage was real and honest and open.

Ironically, here I am 12 years after I said I do.  Our marriage was anything but honest.  My wedding ring is not on my finger.  We are not together and since his suicide 2 years ago, he no longer exists in this world.

When I awoke from those dreams I felt a fear deep inside my soul.  A fear of losing him.  But then I would look to my side and he was there.  I would often tell him about my dream and he would comfort me and tell me he was never leaving and that everything would be OK.  

Every now and then I experience a feeling of disbelief.  My story fast forwards through my brain and I feel like all of that could not possibly have happened to me.  But it did.  And no matter how happy I am in my life right now, no matter how much I have healed, there will always be that raw, wounded part inside of me.  At those times when it rises to awareness, I just have to be kind to myself, take some deep breaths and tell myself everything will be OK.  And it will.  And it is.

5 comments:

  1. My situation is a friggin' party compared to what you've been through, and even so, I've realized that I'm never truly ever going to be over it. I can be proud of how far I've come, but some things are just gone, and I will always have flashbacks. But you're also right that we will be okay, and we are okay.

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  2. Hi Debbie - so glad to see a post from you again. I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are.

    I'm feeling a little rebellious at the moment - I'm rebelling against the messages I need to be setting goals, I need to be learning this etc... I think all these messages tell us subliminally that when we reach these goals we'll be happy and OK. What I'm working on is being happy NOW whatever is going on, enjoying my life for what it is NOW. Yes, there are still things I want to do but I want to enjoy and savor the process, not rush through it so I can be OK when I've done it.

    I like your last three sentences - be kind to yourself, you are a remarkable woman and the world is a better place because of you, each and every day, just as you are now.

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  3. It's a weird and unsettling realization to reflect on the occurences of life sometimes. I've missed you.

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  4. Hold your head up. Keep writing. It's always helped me. I'm following your blog. Can you follow mine: makingmyway2010.blogspot.com

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  5. It will be okay :)

    Keep your chin up lady!

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