Monday, November 8, 2010

dreams

When I was married I used to have a recurring dream.  The setting of the dream would change, but the underlying theme would be the same.  I would find myself in a situation in which I was not married to my husband.  In some dreams we had broken up.  In others he had never existed.  I would realize his absence by the fact that I was not wearing my wedding ring.  When I woke I always found myself extremely unsettled.  I was so scared to think of my life without him because such an existence was unimaginable to me.  I believed that we had been destined to be together and that I had been waiting for him my entire life.  I know it sounds cliche and all that, but it is really how I felt.  My marriage was never perfect and I did not have grandiose romantic illusions about what love and marriage were about.  That was actually what always convinced me that we were meant to be together:  the fact that our marriage was real and honest and open.

Ironically, here I am 12 years after I said I do.  Our marriage was anything but honest.  My wedding ring is not on my finger.  We are not together and since his suicide 2 years ago, he no longer exists in this world.

When I awoke from those dreams I felt a fear deep inside my soul.  A fear of losing him.  But then I would look to my side and he was there.  I would often tell him about my dream and he would comfort me and tell me he was never leaving and that everything would be OK.  

Every now and then I experience a feeling of disbelief.  My story fast forwards through my brain and I feel like all of that could not possibly have happened to me.  But it did.  And no matter how happy I am in my life right now, no matter how much I have healed, there will always be that raw, wounded part inside of me.  At those times when it rises to awareness, I just have to be kind to myself, take some deep breaths and tell myself everything will be OK.  And it will.  And it is.