Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Here goes....

Tomorrow, Mandy at Since My Divorce will start a series of blog posts about my story.  I just read her intro:
Tomorrow, I’m starting a new series with Debbie who blogs at My Everyday Journey. Debbie was married to the love of her life until she found out he was a pedophile. She’s an amazing lady who’s bravely and courageously rebuilt a life for herself and her son. As I said on my Since My Divorce Facebook page, never again will I listen to a news story of a pedophile without wondering if he has a wife and children and what’s happening in their world. I hope you’ll join me as Debbie shares what has helped her through her challenges.
Guess what?  She said it.  She said the word.  She said pedophile.  After talking with Mandy a few weeks ago for this series, I realized that I had never before actually used the word pedophile to describe my husband.   I reviewed the diagnostic criteria for pedophilia to make sure that's what he really was.  I went back and read my "About Me" posts and realized that I didn't even use the word there.  I danced around it.  I alluded to it.  I said my ex-husband was sexually pre-occupied with minors.  But I never said what he really was, which was a pedophile.
I know that I am not to blame for what he did.  I know there is no way I could have known about his problems at that time.  But it is something that still brings about feelings of shame.  It still makes me wonder if people judge me for being married to such a man...being married to a pedophile.  There I said it.

So....are you judging me?  Are you thinking that I must be a little insane myself?  That I must have seen signs and just chose to ignore them?  Do you think that I am a bad judge of character?  Do you think I just must not be that bright?
I have thought all those things.  I have concluded that none of them are true.  But the shame and embarrassment of falling in love, marrying and having a child with a man who turned out to be a pedophile still sneaks in.  That is one of the many reasons I started blogging.  When I was going through this I could not find anyone who could truly relate.  I could not find anyone who was going through exactly what I was experiencing.  I still haven't.  I have found some common ground, some similar situations, but no one who says, "I, too, was married to a pedophile."

I wanted to bring my story out of the shadows.  I wanted to be open with it so that maybe, if there was someone else out there dealing with similar issues, they would feel less shame.  I wanted to get it out there so that it did not have any more power over me.

I am really looking forward to seeing what Mandy takes from my story and how she presents it.  And I am holding my breath a little too....


  1. My ex-sister-in-law was married to a pedophile many years ago, but she didn't realize it either. And I don't recall her ever using the word 'pedophile.'

    When I was researching my novel (about a conspiracy of women who kill pedophiles, to be published early next year), I asked one of my experts, a forensic psychiatrist, how one could distinguish between a man who simply loves children in the normal way, and a man who is a pedophile, and my expert said it was extremely difficult to tell.

    I also told him what I knew about my ex-sister-in-law's ex, and he said that definitely the man was a pedophile.

    Bravo to you for "coming out" about your situation. I believe you will do some good by sharing your journey.

    Sheryl J. Dunn

  2. P.S. Just because my characters kill pedophiles doesn't mean that I think that killing them is the solution, but I do think that society must find better ways to protect our children than currently exist.

  3. Debbie,
    There is no way anyone could ever judge you for someone else's actions. If they do, they are ignorant.

    Everyone's journey is a little different. It took me years to assign the "addict" title to my husband. I'm so pround of the steps you're taking!

  4. Yay for you! I'm proud of you for going public about your struggles. I know how much it helps. I don't judge you one bit! I was right there with you when you were making all of the "discoveries" and I am certain that you had no clue how he was living his life...

  5. Judge you, hell no! I think that a pedophile is the worst kind of crime, but we are all niave to other peoples addictions for the most part no matter what addiction they have.
    I have more respect for you knowing how you have dealt with it and overcome some of his misleadings.

  6. I'm so glad you're telling your story, and while you might not have found someone just yet, they may have found you. What I hope, too, is that this is freeing for you. I can't imagine how much you've been through and I hope this helps you be free of it.
    And, for the record, of course I don't blame you or think less of you. If anything, I think more of you.

  7. Thanks all, for your comments. Even thought I know that most people do not judge me by my ex's actions, it still creeps in. I appreciate the validation.

  8. Debbie - I have reiterate again how important it is for you to share your story for so many reasons. There have to be other women in similar situations and you will find them. Sharing your story will help them, like April says. Sharing your story helps us all to understand how someone can be married to a pedophile and how could anyone judge you, when they hear your story?

    Congratulations on saying and writing "pedophile" - you did use it in our interview because otherwise I'm not sure I would have used it.

    You are a remarkable, amazing woman and I know you will somehow use this experience to help others. I hope too that sharing your story helps you on your path of healing. I hope someday we'll get to meet in person.

  9. Mandy - Thanks for your comment. I think when I talked to you WAS the first time I had really used the term pedophile. The time we spent talking was incredibly healing. I have felt like a different person since then - free in a way I had not felt before. Thank you for making that possible.

  10. No judging here. I have a friend going through a similar thing, though there's been no pedophilia mentioned I have my own doubts! I don't judge her for staying and wouldn't judge you either. You're a strong, capable woman! Good luck!

  11. Debbie...BRAVO! Amazingly honesty...

  12. Stopping by from SITS - your post had my jaw on the floor. You are an incredibly brave and strong woman for bringing your story to light and sharing it with others. I don't know how anyone could read your past and judge you. You will be a blessing to other through your story.

  13. yes there are other women- I am one who is in your 4 months after phase. I have just found out that my daughter (8)--who still very much "loves her dad" has been "touched" by him and vice versa--I am trying to get him out of my life but am in a work from home situation -with him there in the day still and it is all very confusing. Am thinking about a blog myself to help clear my thoughts and came across your story. There is not much on the web for the families of "these people" to help you move through???