Wednesday, August 4, 2010

another step on my journey

Single woman
Engaged
Married
Mommy
Working Mom
Betrayed wife
Divorcee
Single mom
Only Parent

So many labels....but there is one role that there is not a label for.  The divorced woman whose ex-husband commits suicide.  It is a strange category. 

His death was shocking and so incredibly sad.  I tried to imagine how low he would be to take his own life - to feel that there was no other option.  I don't have words for how it feels when I think of him at the point.  His death began a period of grief for me that was unexpected.  I grieved the man I married, the man I loved, the man I brought a child into this world with.

His death was also a relief.  The man he had become was a stranger.  He was a threat to my mental health.  He was a possible threat to our safety and I had to warn every teacher, school, day care provider about him  I worried about how my son would deal with having an absent father in the future.  I thought about people that my ex might hurt in the future and knew I was powerless to do anything to stop it.  His death freed me from those concerns.

So I was grieving the death of my husband, but I was not a widow.  I was an woman with a dead ex-husband.  No label for that.  No rules for how you should feel.  I did not attend his funeral.  I was not notified about his death until afterwards.  I did not get to say goodbye.  But who would I say goodbye to?  The man I loved had been lost years ago and in his place was a very sick man, an addict, a pedophile.  We were better off without him in many ways.  But still I grieved.  Such conflicting emotions.

Next week my son and I will take a three day vacation to a local island that had been very special to my husband and I.  It was our place and I have not been back there without him.  I am going there to make new memories with my son.  I also plan to try to find a way to say goodbye while I am there.  I am not sure how.  I am not sure if I will tell my son.  But it's time.

5 comments:

  1. stopping by from sits.

    i'm sorry to read about your story BUT i am glad that you and your son are in a safe place and focused on moving on with your life. good luck with everything.

    new follower.

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  2. That must be bitter sweet. I am glad that you are going to say your good byes in what ever way that you can! Hope it is fun too!!!

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  3. It sounds like you are healthy and in a good place now. I hope you and your son have a very nice trip.

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  4. I don't see any other outcome than you growing even stronger from this trip.
    Labels are tiresome.

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  5. Enjoy enjoy enjoy!!!!! You will have a great time...even if there may be some bitter sweet moments! Will be thinking of you!

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