Sunday, April 11, 2010

when function and feeling cannot co-exist

There is a cabinet in my basement work room area. It is very sturdy, functional and well placed. Today I ripped off the wooden doors with my bare hands and proceeded to take it off the wall screw by screw, sometimes ripping them out of the wall with sheer force. That functional cabinet is now on my tree lawn waiting to be picked up by trash mongers or the garbage truck, whoever gets it first.

You may ask why would I get rid of such a seemingly functional part of my house. Because for five years it has stood as a reminder of the past. But I kept it because it was functional. And I hated it every time I looked at it.

The cabinet did nothing wrong.

When I first found out my now-ex husband cheated on me he explained it as "meaningless" and "promised" that it was over. I tried to believe...in him, in our marriage, in the ability to work it out. If both parties are true and honest and committed, marriages can survive infidelity. But this was not our case. The cheating continued and I ended our marriage.

So what does this have to do with the cabinet?

When I first found out that the affairs had not "stopped" (which I suspected) I also found out that one of them was an actual ongoing long term "relationship." At one point I threatened my ex and said he had better tell me everything. Of course I learned that I would never find out "everything." But I did learn more.

And so the cabinet enters the picture.

He told me to go downstairs and open the cabinet and on the right hand side of the bottom shelf I would find some things. Turned out to be a framed picture of her and her daughter as well as a bunch of cards and letters. Made me sick.

The items have been gone for some time. But the cabinet remained. And I have not been able to separate emotion from function no matter how hard I tried. So today I took control.

The cabinet is now out with the trash. And I feel much better.

3 comments:

  1. Good for you. Get rid of the old memories.

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  2. i can truly relate to this feeling - i'll never forget how my heavy sadness turned to an almost giddiness as i pushed all my old dually-owned furniture over those tall ledges at the dump. so good to remove all that old energy, making room for new positive energy to find you.

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