Tuesday, February 16, 2010

struggle

First, I must say that I do not know what normal mood changes are anymore.  I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for several years now.  I could go into a whole dissertation about when I was first diagnosed, why I think it started, how I think family history plays into it, etc.  But none of that really matters.  All that matters is that I struggle.  I do some of the right things:  medication monitored by a very good psychiatrist, therapy (now only as needed, but when it's needed I know where to go and I DO go), understanding friends and family.  But I still struggle.  It is hard to know what is a normal down day versus a sign that my depression has kicked in a little harder than usual.  People who do not understand depression think we can just make up our mind to be in a good mood.  Ahhhh...if it was only that simple.

I was off work for four days.  Most of the time I felt relaxed, happy, content and "me."  Then Sunday night came and the work week loomed in front of me.  As today progressed (a Tuesday which was really a Monday since it was the first day of the work week) my mood deteriorated.  I felt unmotivated, anxious, sad, tearful, nervous, irritable...NOT "me."  So, how do I know if this is normal back to work blues, versus depression?  Well, I don't.  But I know my depression causes my lows to be lower and it is harder to pull myself out of them.  But again, none of that really matters.  What matters is that I am feeling depressed and anxious.  What matters is that I am struggling.

Everyone has challenges in their lives.  I do not want to seem complain-y because mine are nothing compared to what some face.  But I still struggle.  But I think that is what life is about.  It is about how you handle the challenges that come your way.  So I keep trying new things and looking at the issue differently (like by blogging about it).  Luckily, I had a break in my day and was able to come to a local coffee shop, relax in a comfy chair in front of a fireplace, breathe....and blog.  So far it is helping.  And that is what really matters.

4 comments:

  1. My therapist told me that they have found therapeutic value in blogging, so I'm glad you have your space now. Just remember to use it :)
    I'm glad you're going when you need to go to therapy, too. I've gone on and off for the last 6 years, but I found that last year, I only needed to go a couple of times.
    I don't struggle with depression so I can't really help you discover the differences, but the fact that you're thinking about it is probably a good first step.

    ReplyDelete
  2. First off...LOVE the blog! YEAH. I guess I should of clicked on your face (that is on my blog) and would have known - sometimes my head is THICK.
    More importantly...Yeah for blogging as (one type) therapy! I know my mood has shifted DRAMATICLY since I started my blog. And Deb, "complain-y" you are not. What I love in this post is how you know what matters - and finding a place to express and clarify through journaling/blogging...yeah! Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know what you mean about sometimes having difficulty distinguishing a "bad day" from a sign that the depression is returning. I struggle with that one a lot. I guess it's one of those things to pay attention to, and recognizing it will get easier with time? I certainly hope that's the case...

    ReplyDelete