Tuesday, February 16, 2010


First, I must say that I do not know what normal mood changes are anymore.  I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for several years now.  I could go into a whole dissertation about when I was first diagnosed, why I think it started, how I think family history plays into it, etc.  But none of that really matters.  All that matters is that I struggle.  I do some of the right things:  medication monitored by a very good psychiatrist, therapy (now only as needed, but when it's needed I know where to go and I DO go), understanding friends and family.  But I still struggle.  It is hard to know what is a normal down day versus a sign that my depression has kicked in a little harder than usual.  People who do not understand depression think we can just make up our mind to be in a good mood.  Ahhhh...if it was only that simple.

I was off work for four days.  Most of the time I felt relaxed, happy, content and "me."  Then Sunday night came and the work week loomed in front of me.  As today progressed (a Tuesday which was really a Monday since it was the first day of the work week) my mood deteriorated.  I felt unmotivated, anxious, sad, tearful, nervous, irritable...NOT "me."  So, how do I know if this is normal back to work blues, versus depression?  Well, I don't.  But I know my depression causes my lows to be lower and it is harder to pull myself out of them.  But again, none of that really matters.  What matters is that I am feeling depressed and anxious.  What matters is that I am struggling.

Everyone has challenges in their lives.  I do not want to seem complain-y because mine are nothing compared to what some face.  But I still struggle.  But I think that is what life is about.  It is about how you handle the challenges that come your way.  So I keep trying new things and looking at the issue differently (like by blogging about it).  Luckily, I had a break in my day and was able to come to a local coffee shop, relax in a comfy chair in front of a fireplace, breathe....and blog.  So far it is helping.  And that is what really matters.


  1. My therapist told me that they have found therapeutic value in blogging, so I'm glad you have your space now. Just remember to use it :)
    I'm glad you're going when you need to go to therapy, too. I've gone on and off for the last 6 years, but I found that last year, I only needed to go a couple of times.
    I don't struggle with depression so I can't really help you discover the differences, but the fact that you're thinking about it is probably a good first step.

  2. First off...LOVE the blog! YEAH. I guess I should of clicked on your face (that is on my blog) and would have known - sometimes my head is THICK.
    More importantly...Yeah for blogging as (one type) therapy! I know my mood has shifted DRAMATICLY since I started my blog. And Deb, "complain-y" you are not. What I love in this post is how you know what matters - and finding a place to express and clarify through journaling/blogging...yeah! Thanks for sharing!

  3. I know what you mean about sometimes having difficulty distinguishing a "bad day" from a sign that the depression is returning. I struggle with that one a lot. I guess it's one of those things to pay attention to, and recognizing it will get easier with time? I certainly hope that's the case...